Sunday, 9 December 2018

That Girl, This Woman

So this blog post is a little removed from what I have previously written, but I felt compelled to write it. I don't particularly care if anyone reads it, because this is ultimately for myself. But maybe it will resonate with you, I don't know. So then, after such a cryptic start, what is it that I am indeed writing about?

Well, for the last few weeks I haven't felt quite at home in myself. Not in ways which I've experienced before, and I am quite familiar with, like my weight, or feeling depressed, or even anxious. Because to be honest, I would have been quite comfortable with these feelings; I understand feeling fat, I understand feeling low, and I understand feeling anxious, but what I don't understand is this. I've tried expressing this to people I love, and it still didn't feel quite right, I felt better for speaking to them, but this underlying feeling was still there. And it really wasn't until last night that I realised exactly what was wrong. I didn't feel comfortable in my own clothes anymore, as though I was borrowing them from a friend, feeling like I was an impostor trying to be somebody else. I felt as though my hair was constantly wrong, whether I curled it, straightened it, had it up or down. Nothing was right. But there was something more than the aesthetic, something which ran a lot deeper. I was trying to be the girl who I was six month ago, clinging desperately to the ghost of her pretending that I was still her, but you know what;

I am no longer That Girl.

I am no longer that girl who bought those clothes six months ago, terrified to grow up and who didn't want to accept any real responsibility for her life.
I am no longer that girl who started university almost three years ago with absolutely no confidence or clue what on earth she was going to do with her life. I am no longer that girl who six months ago who was terrified at the thought of turning 23 and still not being any closer to knowing what she was going to do with her life, walking with absolutely no direction.
I am no longer that girl who only three months ago didn't think that she deserved to be happy.
So who exactly am I then?

I am Becoming This Woman.

I am becoming the woman who is excited about embarking on her first big adventure and moving away from home. I am becoming the woman who embraces the fact that she is 23 and has the world at her finger tips, with unending possibilities. I am becoming the woman who walks with her head held high, looking the world in the eyes without flinching. 
I may not know exactly who this woman is that I'm becoming, but I can't wait to find out. 

1 comment:

  1. This was really interesting and heart provoking, well done erin for reaching this point, a lot of people face growing up with fear.
    From the view of a person of the past, you have made such a progression in yourself and Im amazed at what youve become and what you will be.
    This post has made me question myself too and my inner thoughts, thanks.


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